


A Steel Lining

by MissBondage



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Cutting, Molestation, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Support, lying, may trigger, something I needed to get out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 14:52:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4309446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissBondage/pseuds/MissBondage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a memoir I wrote for my Honor Comp Lit class. It's multi-voice so each chapter is either written from my perspective, my cats, or my ex. I don't normally put out my past for the world to see but I know sometimes there are people who need to see someone who made it past all the things that were bring them down. I'm sorry if it triggers anyone. This is your warning, Please be careful reading this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Entry 21

**Author's Note:**

> I'm always open for comments. I'm also here if you need to ask me anything.

February 20, 2014

 

Dear Diary,   
I have to get this off my chest, I need to tell someone but on one will ever understand. I don’t think I can ever explain why I cut. No one can and will see it my way, I mean I’m doing it. Its my skin anyway. Seriously all they see is dried blood or scars. HA! I tell them that I started when my bullying got unbearable, I’m lying to them and probably myself too. I started hurting myself way before middle school. I became use to the pain and release. I think I started in third or fourth grade but it didn’t start as cutting, it was bruising and welts. After my sister was born and my parents got their divorce I started to make myself bleed. It was pretty easy to hide it for awhile, no one noticed. Then I got bolder and bruising, welts and bleeding from my own nails wasn’t enough anymore. I found I like knifes better than razors…I need to stop. Maybe everyone who saw is right. I was hurting myself more than they ever could. Guess we'll just have to see what happens from here right Diary? Maybe I’m messed up in a big way or just addicted to the pain. I’m not sure. At this point I don’t think I care either…. Wow that got depressing really fast, I’m just gonna stop writing. Night Diary.

Yours,  
Me.


	2. Chapter 2

I stare at the knife  
It stares back  
I hold the knife  
It holds me back  
I bleed with the knife  
It bleeds me  
I hate the knife  
It taunts me

I try to be normal  
It doesn't want me  
I hide every secret far  
It can see them clearly  
I place a smile on my face  
It rips it off to show the world  
I close my scars  
It re-opens them with a word  
I want to be me  
I lock my walls so on one can see

I stare at the knife  
It stares back  
I hold the knife  
It holds me back  
I bleed with the knife  
It bleeds me  
I hate the knife  
It taunts me

Everything is falling apart  
Nothing will be left  
My shell finally giving away  
The raw scars exposed  
My tears shed everyday  
Nothing left holding me up  
As I fall to the dark

I reread words  
I wonder why  
I lay still  
I pull out the knife  
I am lost again

Each cut, burn, scratch and bruise  
The only thing I have  
The scars left behind   
They all have a story  
None with rape or sexual harassment  
But the mental abuse  
The bullying  
The sexual orientation  
The abandonment  
The broken hearts  
Each scar is my way of getting through with my mind

I want to stop  
Someone I love doesnt like  
When I have cuts, bruises  
Something I will miss  
The cold metal?  
The pain blooming?  
The feeling of release I can't get?  
I love her but I need the pain  
Which is more important?


	3. Struggles Of Will

Characters   
The fighter  
The pain

[Enter fighter into bathroom] Fighter  
I need to calm down there is no reason to freak out. I’m not going to break down. I won’t do it again. I don’t need it.   
Pain [Voice only fighter can hear]  
But You do need it don’t you? You always need it. The sting of the steel. The blood sliding down your skin. Just do it girly. You know you want it. NEED IT.  
Fighter   
No I do not need it. That knife will never be in my hand again. I don’t need it. I don’t need it. I don’t need it.   
Pain  
Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?  
Fighter   
I… Know I don’t need it. You are just a voice. What do you know? I don’t need it. [Muttered under breath]  
Pain  
I might be “just” a voice but I am your voice. I am what you really want. The one that can give you what you really want. Come on girly. You know you want it. Just pick up the knife. Pick it up.  
Fighter  
I will not pick it up. My will is strong. You can’t give anything now you are nothing. I will not give in to you. I will be strong because you are nothing. [tears spring to eyes] I am strong. I have the will to stop and I will. You can never have a hold over me again. I will stop and I will get better. You are nothing.   
Pain  
Don’t be so sure girly. I will win. I always win with you don’t I? You have no strength and I will break you. You can’t hide from me. I know you through and through. I will always be with you. I am you.   
Fighter  
You may be here for the rest of my life but I don’t have to give into you. You may be me but I am not pain. I am life and beauty. I am strong and you are just an emotion. You are nothing but my subconscious trying to go back to before. I will change and you won’t stop me. [Picks up knife and puts it in cabinet with lock] You can’t stop me. I will beat you.   
[Exit bathroom]


	4. Food

I hear people walking up is it My human?!?! Wait no, its not. When is she coming home??? I want FOOODDD. The biggest one won’t feed me as much…. She made my human change the size of the scoop again. I miss My human. She seems sad by Something. My human has great back scratching nails, gosh they feel sooooo good. I want her to pet me all the time. She makes me purr. I think her human friend called it my rumble bees once. What does that even mean? Is that My human??!!?!?! It is!!  
*MEOW* FEEEEDDD MEEEE!!! *MEOW* NOW HUMAN! Oh no where is she going? Food isn’t upstairs….COME BACK!!! Fine she can have it her way. Let me just follow her. Why is the door closed? She never closes it! What is that noise I hear? Its loud and scary, but I’ve heard it before. Oh no. I think My human is doing what they call crying. Sometimes she does it after she wakes up suddenly in the night. My human doesn’t sleep much. I think she is scared too, I smell fear on her a lot, plus something metal. I smell the metal a lot actually. When is she coming out? I want food and my afternoon nap next to her. Let me just wait here for her. How much time has passed? It could’ve been days. *Scratch* My human isn’t letting me in. *SCRAAATTTTCCCCHHHH* HUMAN LET ME IN!!! I Don’t Like When You Lock Me Out. Yay the door opened! HUMAN! Are you okay? I smell metal again. Her face is wet. I smell metal and salt. Hmmm the metal smell is also the same as prey smell after I rip them open. Aww now I’m still hungry. Feed me human. No No No No No No don’t sit in the chair. FEEEEEED MEEEEE! My human is making weird noises again. How to I fix this? Maybe she needs to be petted. Here human, do you like petting? Will you feed me now? No kitty? NO KITTY?! But petting helps me. Stupid human won’t feed me. Fine I will sleep. Just so you know human I’m not laying with you to make you happy. I only lay down cause you will pet me. NO NO HUMAN PUT ME DOWN!!!! I am not some toy! Human stop making my fur wet. I don’t like the wet. Stop making those noises you sound like a dying cat. I should know. HUMAN PLEASE STOP!!! You’re freaking me out. Okay that’s fine, let us just lay down. Now sleep please human. You need sleep….. No stop I will stay. I’m   
worried about my human she needs something. She is warm for a human. My Human.


	5. Entry 6

September 19, 2011

Dear Diary,  
I had a mental breakdown today. First one ever. No one noticed thankfully. Everyone was in their own little worlds, even my favorite teacher Mrs. Toland. I’m pretty sure that if she would’ve noticed then she would’ve sent me home with my mom. Which in this case probably would’ve made my mom even madder you know. I guess I should just say it mom and I got into a huge fight. Bigger than anything else we have ever had. I know most girls say that their fight with their parents is huge, but I don’t think most girls parents get physical with them. I guess maybe it was my fault but I was done being pushed by her. She got home and I was hiding in my room. I mean I just had a pretty intense panic attack at school. She got pissed cause I was just letting my brother play games, but we did some of our chores so it wasn’t like the house was a mess. But that’s never good enough for my mom. She wanted it all done, homework always took a backseat to her house. So I tried to say I was doing homework, that the bathroom and living room were done. Plus I cleaned the litter box. Jordan had done most of the dishes, just not the ones that needed to sit in the water. I started ranting sorry. Mom and I got at it when I was doing the dishes. She just kept getting closer and closer as she yelled at me and I got scared, I pushed her away. Hard I guess, she stumbled back. Then she got really pissed and pinned me to the counter, digging it into my back. Then I guess I blacked out. I don’t remember anything that happened. I woke up with my hand holding the knife and my wrist bleeding. Four long cuts just beneath my palm. I don’t remember actually doing them, but I remember how they felt. I liked it. So I tried another one. I fifth one deeper than the others. It felt almost as great as the after sting. Mom started to come down stairs, she couldn’t see them. I knew that for sure. I turned away from her and only barely listened to her. I couldn’t get out of the fuzzy feeling in my head. I can’t even explain it, it was just so…. I don’t know. I just had to write it all out before it went away. Gosh I couldn’t wait for you to know. I have to go though, figure out a way to cover these up before anyone sees them.   
Yours,  
Me


	6. Lyrics That Speak

I start walking home and put my headphones in, searching my phone for the new Icon for Hire album. I turn it up loud. I skip through until I find a song that has a nice soothing melody and piano. I fall into the song, just the background, the lyrics having no meaning yet.

         _“Another day, another waste of my heart It only beats when it wants to Another step, and I've learned to hold my breath Still scared to want you”_

 

I get about half way home and the song is ending and I need to hear it again. The slow piano and almost sad sound rings within me. This song speaking to me on a different level. I listen to the song a few more times before I get to my front door.

_“I'll be the mess, you be the medicine I'll be the mess, you play the medicine”_

 

 

I go in and lay on the couch, my day finally catching up and I need sleep. I put the song on loop and the tv on Adventure Time. I turn on my alarm to get my sister. I put my arm over my head and let the music wash over me. Only a few lyrics get through my half asleep and awake stage.

_“Why don't you fix me? I can't help myself Why don't you fix me? You know I'm fading still”_

 

At some point I actually fall asleep, my alarm breaking through my fog. I sit up and put on my shoes, headphone still firmly in place. I get my sister and hum the song. The lyrics still not in my head.

_“I have tried to be better inside We both know how it kills I've tried to heal myself so many times, But we both know that I'm still ill”_

 

We walk inside the house and she goes to play. I pull out my homework for the evening. I turn the song up to drown out the world and focus. I got through most of my homework before most of my homework before my focus wavered. I sat back and let the lyrics finally register.

_“I'll be the mess, you be the medicine I'll be the mess, you play the medicine”_

 

With each word I felt the wall I had built began to break. I hadn’t found a song that even was remotely close to touching the feelings I had for my cutting. I felt tears fill my eyes.

_“Why don't you fix me? I can't help myself Why don't you fix me? You know I'm fading still [x2]” The chorus came around and I realized someone else can’t fix me. That I have to fix myself. And you know how I try, fight to survive My hands are bloody from holding myself too tight You know how it hurts You know what the pain will be worth Every scar one day will heal Every tear one day will dry [x4]_

 

I felt the words more than I heard them. After the song ended I felt something change and I knew I needed a change.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own this song   
> Song: Fix me  
> Artist: Icon for hire


	7. A Leap Of faith

_ Faith comes from belief and belief comes from trust.  _

 

Today A the new girl we just hired is coming in to train on register. She has been working here a while, I only watch her in dining room. She is actually really pretty, she has this smile that only comes out when she is comfortable with someone. She is really close to Becca. Maybe I can just ask Becca to introduce me to her. Then it won’t seem as creepy when I talk to her. I’m pretty sure that everyone can tell she isn’t exactly conventional, or I guess normal by definition. I mean the girl always has her headphones in when she is not working. I see her walk in and there are the headphones, or on her breaks there they are again. It seems like she doesn’t want anyone to talk to her or something. I want to talk to her so bad, I know she isn’t stuck up or cruel, I think she is just shy. Afraid that she will hurt someone. She sometimes has this sad, wounded look in her eyes. I wonder who hurt her, I wonder who would want to hurt her. I want to know everything about her. I really want to know why her wrist is covered in fading scars. I want to know what would posse such a beautiful girl to want to hurt herself. I want to be the one she comes to in the future about her pain. I want to be something special enough, for her to call. I want to be something more. Here she comes now. I need to just jump in and say hi. I need to just take a leap of faith that, she needs me.

 

_ “Hi, I’m Brooke…” _

 

 

 

 


	8. Pet

**My human has been acting differently lately.             LIKE WAY different.          She always has sound playing from my favorite chew toy.         I only chew on them to get her attention.      She doesn’t pet me.           My human just lays there.         I’m very worried.           Before she petted me a lot.      Though then I think she did it more for her benefit, than mine.           She rarely holds me now.        I just want her to pet me.        HUMAN PET ME NOW!!       She can’t hear me she has my chew toy in her head.       Gosh human pay attention to me.        Its weird she doesn’t even smell like metal anymore.      My human smells clean.      I like this smell actually.      Its very nice.     Now human pet me!     *MEOW* *MEEEOOOWWWW*           No human come back! Are you going to feed me?       Human come back!         Feed me or pet me don’t go away.       HUMAN!        COME BACK!!!      PLease come back human, you are so warm.        I want to sleep.       HUMAN pet me!          Pet me now!       HUMAN LOVE ME!!!!!!!          Fine why don’t I just pet you, then you will  do it back right??????           *MEOW* *MEOW*       Human do it back now.         PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!      YESSSSSSSS HUMAN!       Thank you soooooooo much.         OOOO right there.        No human come back and do my face.        Right there is okay too.       I love when you pet me human.       I love you human.         I like how you smell human.         So much better than before, less like sadness.           Night My human.**           

 

 

 


	9. A Touch of the Hand

_They say that the skin on the inside of the wrist is the most sensitive when touched._

 

Sometimes I see A rub the skin of her wrist at work or when we are out. I always wonder if she does it on purpose, which couldn’t be possible because I can tell when she does something on purpose. I mean when she wants to tell me something she always rings her hands and bites the inside of her bottom lip. Its kinda cute actually. She won’t look me in the eye. She is so adorable when she does something on purpose, so when she touches her wrist, I want to know what it means. Yeah I know we have only been dating for like a month but I have watched and wanted her before that. She does it quite a bit actually. She changes where she touches on the inside of her wrist. Like when she is talking to people she touches closer the the bottom of her wrist, but when her mom talks to her sometimes she rubs with more pressure and closer to her palm. I want her to tell me what it means. I know almost everything about her. I mean I know about the scars there. Maybe that’s what it is about. Why don’t I know this? Does she not trust me? I know she does trust me though. Maybe she is scared of what I will say about it. I don’t want her to think I will judge her. I don’t think I will. I know everything when it comes to her being depressed or ready to…. cut. She told me that, but I don’t know the reasons behind each scar. She hides those from me. Is that why because she is remembering what those are? Is she still hiding behind those memories? I want to help her get past these things…. I want to fix her. 

 

_ “Babe, let me see your arm.” _

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one might be a little confusing, So the normal text is my thoughts and the italic is my ex.

 

She found my knifes                        _I found her knifes_

The Ones I use to cut

       I can’t look her in the face                                                                                                                    

     I wonder if she hates me                                                   _ I don’t hate her _

_ She won’t look at me _

_ I’m not sure how but I know _

won’t love me now, won’t want to help  _   I still love her and want to help _

I see tears fill her eyes 

 I feel my heart crack

  I wait for her hate filled words

   I feel my walls build                  _ I see her walls build _

_                              I reach toward her  _

_ I gave her something she needs _

She gave me support?    _  I gave her support.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 


	11. My First Way Out

_ “What did you use these for? ”  _ Brooke held my two knifes in her hand. I wasn’t sure what to say or do, fear freezing my body. I feel my heart beating a mile a minute. It’s not the first time someone has told me I was demented for even thinking about it, let alone actually cutting. I hold my breath as I try to get my words together. 

“I…they are...for ummmm…….I used them for……ya know.” I stuttered over my words. I couldn’t even look up from my hands. I heard her clothing shift and metal hit wood. I knew she put the knives on my dresser. I waited for her to talk. 

_ “No I don’t know what you used them for. You have to tell me babe.”  _ I felt Brooke get closer, I still couldn’t read the emotions in her voice. I want to hide, I want it to go away. 

“I used them…ummmm. IUSEDTHEMTOCUT!” I said the words fast and loud, backing up so I ran into my couch. I felt my knees hit and I sat back. I covered my face with my hands. I could feel the tears run down my face, but no sound came out. Maybe the fact I could stop making noise when I cried would come in handy. I felt the couch dip under weight. 

_ “I thought you would tell me you were cutting.. I want to know that you are hurting.” _ Brooke grabbed my hand and brought it away from my face. I saw the tears in her eyes, like hearing about another thing I did to hurt myself was really hurting her. 

“You know I would tell you. I wasn’t really hiding it from you.” I pretty much sobbed out. She clasped our hands together, and I felt much better just from the one touch. 

_ “How long has this been going on? I haven’t actually seen any scars so……”  _ Brooke’s sentence trailed off. I felt a slight sliver of anger begin to surface when she said that. 

“I get that it seems like I am really weak, but I can stop. I have stopped. It has been two months since I last did it. I worked hard and I haven’t given in to it.” I started sobbing, not wanted her to judge me or say I couldn’t do it. 

_“I’m so proud of you babe. You are doing so well. I wish I could of helped you more. But don’t worry I will be here and I will help you the rest of the way.”_ Brooke pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead as I tried to get back under control. For the first time since I started I felt a little more whole with her support. That night I fell asleep without any need to hurt. 

  
  
  


 

 


	12. Entry 206

 

April 5, 2015

 

Dear Diary, 

Today has been a long day. A lot has happened in the last year. I mean a whole  lot. I have a few friends who care for once. I’m not so alone, I also finally got to stop going to therapy. It didn’t really help, the therapist wasn’t exactly the most forgiving or understanding. She didn’t give me a chance to prove that I could help fix myself or at least help myself. She was really scary to tell the truth. I just went to make mom happy. I guess its been so hectic that I haven’t been able to write, I guess I should just say it. It has been a full year since the last time I cut. A whole year. I’m glad I have made it here. I’m not sure where it would of gone if I didn’t finally admit I needed to stop. I am so very thankful for when I got really hard, I had Brooke. I don’t think I could’ve made it past two months without her. I guess I should’ve probably failed before now considering I had one person as my support. But I didn’t and I’m stronger now. Sure I still have the scars and even the urge to cut hasn’t fully gone away and I don’t think it ever will, but they are a part of who I am. And even when people get really upset when other say their scars are beautiful, I get a small thrill because these scars are what I use to be. These scars are proof that I lived through a time where I was ready to give up my life, that I didn’t push past the point of shallow cuts. Every time I look at them, I don’t see the weak girl, I see the strong girl I am now. To me my scars are beautiful and I can live with the fact that at point in my life I was bullied, I was pushed around, I was molested by boys, I was probably disliked by my mom, I was something that I didn’t want to be anymore, because now I can’t be bullied, I won’t be pushed around, I will not be touched by anyone that does not have permission, I am loved by my mom, I AM someone I wanted to be. These scars are my proof that I came out alive. These scars are me, but I’m not them. Wow that was cheesey. Oh gotta go mom is taking me out for dinner. I  lettered in academics (again). 

Yours,

Me   

 

 

 


	13. Forward

I choose my cutting as my topic because I think I needed to prove something to myself. I think I needed to prove that I am not ashamed of what I have become and how my cutting affected my life. This topic hasn’t really been fully shared with anyone because I am scared I will, I guess open pandora’s box, but now I see that it won’t actually hurt me in anyway. Choosing this topic actually has helped me through some stuff I didn’t know was there.   
I learned that even when I have the idea in my head, it isn’t exactly true unless I said it out loud. I think before this I never felt that I got past my cutting. With the multiple voice part I got to see how I think other people view me and how I think their thought process goes. The multiple voices helped me see that I wasn’t the only one who was hurting with my cutting. I used certain genres because they were easier to get my point across or how I thought the voice would actually tell me what they thought. The two poems were two points one where I didn’t have any support and one where I had someone on my side. These were my view of how I was thinking at those times. The play was actually something that happened to me and I had to get through that with an urge that would not go away. Everything I wrote was something I had to go through or had the person tell me they went through. I organized my pieces by how they happened in my head. One was the first time I cut and it was after the fact I started to think I needed help. One of my voices was that of an ex but because every time I see her name, I get triggered I decided to use my current girlfriend instead. This was a safe move on my part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story. I am not in the least bit done healing but I am working towards being almost whole again. I am still fighting depression but now I have ways of get back on my feet every time it hits. Again thank you. :D


End file.
